The Dukes of Employability- A Response

In the few minutes that The Dukes of Employability post has been up there has been a huge buzz from people about my relationship with my gear shifter (not so much from the comments section, but ...elsewhere).

There is a commercial out right now for Cadillac that asks "When you turn your car on does it return the favor?" I think a more apt question for my situation would be, "Do you service your car or does it service you?"

The Dukes of Employability

When I was a kid I loved the Dukes of Hazzard. Those guys had a sweet orange car with the doors welded shut and no windows. They would slide across the hood of the car like BAs and peel out on the dirt roads. Little did I know at the time that with absolutely no money being spent on modifications for my car, I too am like the Dukes of Hazzard. My driver's side door doesn't open at all. It is a pretty sweet set up I must say. If the cops are after me I just whiz around to the passenger door, take out my keys, unlock the door, climb in and then try not to have a sexual rendezvous with my gear shifter as I smoothly slide into the drivers seat. Do I gun it? Heck yes I do!

I Love Republicans!

Controversial I know, but all my bosses are Republican so how could I NOT love the party. The one question I have pertains to the unofficial Republican motto: "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps." Well actually it is three questions.

1. What are bootstraps?
2. Why are poor people wearing boots?
3. Does it take athletic ability to pull off this feat of being on the ground, grabbing your bootstraps, and then being vertical? I imagine it does.

Anyway, those crazy Republicans always keep me thinking that's for sure!

Part V

"Since when did this town become so dammed convenient?," Pedro grinned looking up from his lunch.
"How so amigo?" I replied.
"I went out to lunch today and BOOM! there was a Taco Bell not three steps outside of this building. I glance to my right and BAM! Taco Johns was right next door! I thought I was just seeing things... you know like in a desert"
"A mirage of cheap Mexican?"
"Right, right, a mirage. Anyway I glanced over my shoulder just to make sure that there wasn't some practical jokers about and WHAM! Chipotle!"
"You think practical jokers built fast food Mexican joints to pull one over one you?" I asked.
"That's what they call breakfast, lunch, and dinner where I come from my friend."
Too afraid to ask which would constitute breakfast in this scenario I pressed on. "Pedro, have you seen anything suspicious lately?"
"Hmm, depends on what you mean by suspicious. Like I said, I did see the triple play of fine dining today at lunch."
"Lunch is what I'm talking about Pedro!" I said. "Someone has been stealing people's lunch and I need to get to the bottom of it."
"Now that you mention it I did see something really weird the other day," Pedro said, rubbing his chin.
"Go on..."
"Well, check this out. I was walking along, just checking the tp level in the bathrooms right? Well walking out of the 5th floor bathroom was an old guy. The thing was, he was wearing Nike Airs with the window that shows the air bubble and everything!"
"So he's old, he probably doesn't know that went out of style," I replied.
Pedro was unfazed. "What the heck does an old guy need Nike Airs for?! He's old! Plus why does he feel the need to rub it in everyone's face that he has an air pocket! Weird eh?"
"Okay thanks Pedro. Enjoy your triple layer burrito," I said ready to move to different avenues of investigation.
"Next time your lunch gets stolen...." Pedro called after me.
I turned to face him.
"Meet me outside, your choice of venues," Pedro said with a grin.

Part IV

Back when I started work at this massive conglomerate of a job there began a strange series of events that I can only describe now as fortuitous but at the time seemed dammed annoying. It first happened on a Tuesday. The lunch that I had thrown together that morning and deposited in the refrigerator at work was not where I left it. I rummaged around, opening and closing the crisper drawer a few times, but finding nothing resembling my peanut butter and bacon sandwich. It appeared that my lunch had been stolen. So off to the vending machine I went. What dropped down from its perch on row DD was the worst excuse for a chicken pot pie I had ever come across. It brought to my palate the dullness of chalk along with the scalding hotness of McDonald coffee.

This was not going to be an isolated incident however as lunch after lunch would disappear over the next few months. As a penance for the thief I would return to row DD of the vending machine and shovel down chicken pot pie after chicken pot pie. After one especially egregious pie I wondered if I was the only victim. If there was a thief about perhaps peanut butter and bacon sandwiches weren't the only thing they liked. And my lunch was only stolen once every couple of weeks. What did this person eat the rest of the time? Asking around I found an undercurrent of hatred and empty stomachs. I was not alone. Only one person could help me apprehend this cold lunch lover. I headed to the basement of the building looking for Pedro.

Employable Ben is Back!

Details forthcoming...

Emptiness as Motivation

Amid the slipshod piles of paper sat the answer I had been seeking. Awkwardly perched on the first desk was a dirty gray binder marked “Confidential.” I stood still, a drop of sweat finding its way down the small of my back. How confidential something that was out in the open could be I did not know. The folder itself looked like an overworked mule; stubborn and tired just waiting for the day when it will no longer be of use. “VAMANOS, VAMANOS!” came the cry from the mop wielding Pedro as the lights starting flickering on one by one. I couldn’t run the risk of removing the folder in the harsh glare of the synthetic light. I retreated amidst Pedro’s cries uncertain if I would get another chance at the truth contained within that folder. [End of Part III]

Everything and Nothing: A Genesis

I started working here about a year and several lifetimes ago. That first morning I arrived at the train station a little early to make sure everything went smoothly. There was a chill in the air that was easy to ignore. I staked out a spot in front of a billboard for, or against really, Meth use. That black and white picture of an emaciated young girl kept me company while I waited. A whistle blew and it was time for us to part ways. As the train glided to a stop the doors perfectly aligned with where I stood. The crowd shuffled behind me as I strode forward into the train. It never did happen like that again. [End of Part II]

Everyone Keeps Disappearing….

Ever since I announced that I am seeking employment a very strange thing has started happening; My co-workers have been disappearing! At first I thought that the flu bug was going around, but then when no one came back I started to get suspicious. So early one morning before the florescent lights came on I went on a reconnaissance mission. Pedro ran interference for me with his mop, while I checked out my co-workers desks. What I found was everything and nothing. [End of Part I]

All Work and No Play…

It has been awhile since we have visited. I know. But this weekend was special. It was my birthday! I had to work extra hours last week because I wanted the weekend off, so no time to chat unfortunately. To make up for it I will post multiple times today. Back to my birthday though.

Some people worship a god, some material things, some other people. I, my friends, I worship a good, hard days work. But after that I worship my birthday. So basically a good hard days work is God to me and my birthday is Jesus. And what a birthday it was. I didn’t think I could drink so much Sprite! Even if it was a Saturday night! There were surprises, tears, laughter, Sprite…. It was great! The only thing better would’ve been some kind of a theme to the party…. Perhaps a certain state theme… well not everyone can have the kind of creativity and foresight that my job does.

My Favorite Word: Luau!

What a great surprise! I had completely forgotten that Hawaiian Shirt Day was today. The whole office came out in full force to show their colors...literally! I felt a little silly being the only one who forgot to wear a Hawaiian shirt so I pasted a bunch of Hawaiiaan fake glitter tattoos all over my body. The glitter is just all over the place [Pedro is going to kill me :)]. The Luau didn't really get going though until I brought in a bunch of Hawaiian yogurt from the grocery store. It was a complete and total orgy of Hawaii-gert. This may have been the best day of my life.

Okay, I have a confession to make...

It's about work. As painful as this is to state out loud, I may start looking for another job. I do love it here and I will miss my boss most of all (What a guy!). It's just that since Target pulled the Salvation Army bell ringers from store entrances I have been out there ringing my own bell, trying to collect money on the Salvation Army's behalf. I've been ringing bell outside of Walgreens, Taco Bell, and Sportmart mostly just trying to fill the financial hole that Target left. But as it turns out, companies don't like freelance bell ringers (especially Taco Bell). So in order to support the Salvation Army I am forced to find a job with higher pay. Thus begins my search....

It is a Great Day!

Great Worker
Resolute
Employable Ben
Amore my Job!
Terrific Worker

Doubleshift? Yes!
Ace Worker
Yay Work!

84 straight hours of work...

... and I am loving every minute of it. I've been getting about 2-3 hours a sleep per night under my desk but I am so excited to get back to work I just wake up. It has been an awesome experience. I am getting ready to go home now though because I volunteer with the homeless 4 nights a week. Those guys would be mad if they didn't get their soup tonight!

What a great start to the day! I came in extra early today just to give the cleaning crew a bit of a morale boost. Boy do those guys love to put me to work! [Yes I am talking to you Pedro :) ]Anywho... my boss is off today so I decided to get bagels for everyone! It was expensive but worth it just to see the look on Erv the security guard's face when ol' Employable Ben came 'round the corner with 150 bagels! Well I better get back to work as I can't stand to not work for more than 1 minute at a time. It's like an addiction I tell ya.

My First Post

1/17/07 Wednesday: Today was a great day. I came to work an hour early as per usual just to help some of my co-workers clear their work load. Well as I was picking up a bagel for my boss (what a great guy!) I ran into an elderly woman attempting to cross the street. Well... one thing lead to another and the next thing you know I was helping her across the street! Can you beleive it? What a privilege to be alive.